Memories
March 19, 2008
An old memory surfaced today. Seven years ago, Scott said something to me that was kind of mean and kind of hurt my feelings at the time. Before I started dating him, I had a gym calendar and I put star stickers up on it for every day I completed my gym routine. This only lasted another few weeks after we started dating, as did my washboard abs. Then several months into our relationship in an argument that I can’t recall now, he said that I was immature because I gave myself gold stars on a chart. I still make my stupid check lists and calendars — admittedly it would probably be considered neurotic except for the fact that it really does help me keep healthy habits and I don’t get too disappointed when I don’t get to check things off my list. But I never use the star stickers anymore, and I tuck away my lists in Excel spreadsheets (which is a more dangerous habit) or folded pieces of paper on my desk.
Seeing the backlog of years worth of check marks for the things I did reminds me that no matter how miserably I failed that day, life is much more than one day and mine doesn’t look too bad.
I’m fickle when it comes to keeping up a journal, but I consistently make my check marks and record other mundane numbers. I was going through the files on my laptop last week, and the most interesting and memorable files on there were not the old email exchanges between me and Scott or the occasional journal entry, but the measurements of my life – my weight, whether I exercised that day, my check book balance, my monthly budget. My favorite part of my trail journals is that I record the distance, elevation gains, wake and sleep times, departure and arrival times, and other seemingly useless measurements — and somehow the memories are clearer with those recordings than the actual occasional journal entry I wrote.
Scott is now mocking me by saying that he’ll record the time he poos every day, but if he did and charted it across time, he could point out “Oh, there’s where I went backpacking for the first time and couldn’t poo for three days” or “there’s where I got the stomach flu and diarrhea and Jisun and I were stuck in bed the whole day holding hands and clutching our stomachs”. And then he’d be reminded about how great our marriage is because we can share that level of misery. See? Fond memories.
I really related to this post. I love charts and lists! Okay – I’m no good at charts (I like words, not pictures) – but I make several lists every day, every week, and every semester. I appreciate not having to worry about forgetting something important because its on my list of goals, and forcing myself to be reflective about where I am going in life and how I am going to get there.
It may seem an odd habit, since I recognize that i need to live more in the moment. But putting everything on a list in front of me keeps it from running constantly through my head. I know if I follow my time line I will reach my goal, so no need to panic. Obsessively making lists and charting goals actually helps me realize and enjoy my life in the present more.
I hadn’t thought about gold stars for exercise and diet (which I too often put on the back burner for my dissertation). I’m going to buy some gold stars soon and try it!